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Literature Text
Without realizing, he had gotten himself lost in the woods outside of town. The tall dark trees were brooding over him and the wind and rain did not make it easier for Shadavgo to keep his calm. He kept on walking, sometimes tripping on overgrown bushes or unearthed roots. The damp air was getting to him, slowly inching its way through his clothing making him feel cold and only adding to the terror that was starting to grow into his chest.
Shadavgo walked and walked for hours, but to no avail. He took some time to rest and shut his eyes in between a large mossy tree and a large mossy rock with a surprising lack of sharp edges. There he was somewhat safe from the chilly wind and horrid rain. It didn't take long for Shadavgo to fall asleep, but in his dream something odd had happened. He was still there. In his dream, he could see himself lying by the rock and by the tree, covered in his furry leather cloak and slightly shivering when a stronger gust of wind howled by.
One thing was different however. The full moon only seemed to shine on him sleeping. He could not see further than a few feet in his dream. It was utter and complete darkness. But even so, something was off, because this darkness spoke to him. He never thought the legends to be true... the whispers of the townsfolk when some bad omen was showing always pointed to this darkness that now surrounded him. Shadavgo knew he was hearing Nokupr, the castaway shadow of the gods. He was basked in fear as one may be when encountering such a being, but Shadavgo did not waver. He stared into the darkness and reached his hand towards the dark thinking "What have I to lose when hope and love for me is gone?".
He was afraid but not enough to stop himself. Suddenly, while his hand was in the darkness, Shadavgo felt a loose grip around his palm. It felt like a woman's hand, the skin was smooth and pleasant to the touch. "Who are you?" He asked "I thought I was alone." And the darkness whispered back "I am Nokupr, the shadow that devours the world when the stars are hiding. I am the nightmare of mankind and countless others. We've met before, when you were young... Ah so frail and scared you were... but you didn't run to your parents. You stood still in terror as you stand now."
The rain was getting stronger making Shadavgo's body shiver even worse. "If you let go of my hand" said Nokupr " you will die." Wolves were starting to howl at the moon, signaling the start of their hunt. Shadavgo remembered townsfolk talking about what starving wolves do when no other food can be found and no farm animals have disappeared lately. He stood there silent and turned his head towards his sleeping body. The wolves were getting closer and closer, he could hear them now. "I am dead either way, what difference does it make if you kill me or the wolves do?" the boy asked with his heart pounding in his chest, but still not letting go of Nokupr's hand. "Aren't you eager to find out?" the darkness whispered almost melodically.
The wolves were now in the light circle slowly moving towards his lying body. "Welcome." Nokupr said and in that instant the wolves had his throat. Shadavgo just sat there watching his body get devoured as he held the hand of a god. He felt no remorse, his fear had shattered in the very same instant. Everything became clear, shadow became light and light suddenly became pain. He was pulled from the brightness of the moonlight by the hand of Nokupr. Now that he could see the shadow... he was stunned. "It had been a goddess all along..." said Shadavgo barely breathing. "You are dead, but you are mine and all you can mutter is that?" asked Nokupr slightly furious. She was tall and dressed in a long black dress to mimic her long straight flowing hair. "How appropriate." Shadavgo thought. Her cheeks were sharp and her green eyes were glistening somehow. Even though they were in complete darkness, he could see her and everything else as well.
"You are the first man to truly see me and by doing so, by trusting me, you've renounced your life within the light. You will now know how it feels to be cast away, alone and hiding for all eternity... creeping behind people and never truly noticed. You will never be seen again, nor heard." she said with sadness in her voice. "I didn't think gods lie." Shadavgo responded with a smirk "You can see me and can hear me."
"Hah, that is true I suppose" Nokupr said smiling " and this change does have it's perks. You can be anywhere where there is darkness in an instant... see what mostly goes unseen and sometimes, if you're bored, haunt the dreams of the living as you see fit taking any shape you like." While he didn't care much for power, Shadavgo was indeed impressed by what he had become, but more interested in the creature standing in front of him, still holding his hand. "Will I die again if I let go?" he asked.
And so the first acolyte of Nokupr had been born, to stalk the world within the endless nights and to keep the goddess company, leaving behind their wake nightmares and fright in a legacy of shadow.
The previous work in the series: diablo0153.deviantart.com/art/…
My previous review: thewrittenrevolution.deviantar…
1. What did you think of Vlad, should have I described him more or did you get enough from his dialogue?
2. Did I manage to create some sort of suspense?
3. Is the story immersive? If not what can I do to improve it?
4. Should I maybe develop a relationship between the two in a later story?
5. Any other constructive criticism?
Thank you very much!
Nice piece! I enjoyed the atmosphere and the inventive worldbuilding. Your foreshadowing at the beginning was enough to interest me and I liked the scene with Nokupr holding Shadavgo's hand in the dark forest and telling him that if he lets go, he will die – I could picture it very clearly in my head.
I'll try and answer your questions and give some critique. This is all just my opinion, so you don't have to listen or take any of it on board if you don't want to!
1. I'm assuming by Vlad you mean Shadavgo? Yes, I thought he was described enough, and his motivations were very clear; I liked the fact that by the time he decided to take Nokupr's hand, he is, as he says, going to die anyway, so it's not completely planned suicide (which I think would have been a little unrealistic without more detail). Plot-wise, it seems a realistic combination of his own foolish actions and random chance, and didn't feel contrived.
I didn't think a very clear picture of his personality came across, but I don't think it's that kind of story really; it feels more like a prequel than a short story. I think if you wanted to show his personality more you would have to detail his former life a bit and make the whole thing longer, but I do think it works at this length.
2/3: Yes, it was pretty suspenseful; especially at the climactic scene where Shadavgo was deciding whether or not to take Nokupr's hand. I did feel like some of the images/motifs were a bit overused or cliché, like the constant descriptions of the horrible weather/dark forest. I think you could probably cut some of that out. But I do like how your imagery tends to focus on small details and experiences, like "the town's cobbled streets were glistening" and "The damp air was getting to him, slowly inching its way through his clothing". It makes the whole thing more immersive.
In general though I do think your imagery could be tightened up and cut down a bit. There are a lot of big paragraphs which, while not necessarily a bad thing, make it a little hard on the eyes to read and don't exactly lend themselves to suspense. I find that prose is sharper and more engaging with short, sharp paragraphs; long descriptive paragraphs often give a bit of a dreamlike feel, which is probably partly what you're going for, but it just feels a little too floaty.
Often, a good rule with imagery is to show, not tell. You tend to describe something that's happening to Shadavgo and then how he feels about it; in a lot of places, the reader can infer how he's feeling from your description. For example, this line:
" The damp air was getting to him, slowly inching its way through his clothing making him feel cold and only adding to the terror that was starting to grow into his chest."
Nice image with "slowly inching its way through its clothing" – but you probably don't need to say that it was "making him feel cold", because that's what damp air usually does. And the part about terror is a little clunky – you could say "only adding to his terror" and leave it there, or make it more poetic and write something like "curling tendrils of terror around his chest" (that's a bad example, I'm sure you can think of something more creative!)
It's always worth going over your sentences with a fine tooth comb and seeing how fa you can really strip it down and still have the meaning coming through – often you'll find that about half of it is not necessary. Like, there's a bit where you say that Shadavgo's body shivered – would it not make more sense to say that Shadavgo shivered? Unless there's a reason to talk specifically about his body (like there is later on, when he sees his own body being devoured) you can probably cut out filler words like that.
4. Do you mean a romantic relationship, or a relationship in a more general sense? I think it would be a little cliché to have them romantically involved (although it seems like there might be interest on Shadavgo's part) but a mentor/student relationship might be more interesting. I would definitely be interested in reading more about them.
5. You've a few grammar mistakes in terms of speech – when someone speaks, if the speech is in the middle of a sentence, there should be a comma ending their speech not a stop, and the next word in the sentence shouldn't be capitalised. So, for example:
"If you let go of my hand" said Nokupr " you will die." should be "If you let go of my hand," said Nokupr, "you will die."
"How appropriate." Shadavgo thought. should be "How appropriate," Shadavgo thought.
"Who are you?" He asked should be "Who are you?" he asked
Also, if there's more than one character speaking, the usual thing is to give each character their own line, so instead of:
"Hi," said Bob. "Hi. Nice day," said Ella. "Yes, isn't it?" said Bob.
you would have:
"Hi," said Bob.
"Hi. Nice day," said Ella.
"Yes, isn't it?" said Bob.
Sometimes you have it all in one line for dramatic effect, but this is done rarely and I think for something like what you've got here it would make more sense just to follow convention – and I also think that would help with the suspenseful air and make it less of a chore to read through the long paragraphs.
Lastly, sometimes it feels a little over-formal, but I think that's down to preference really; you might prefer it that way given that it has a medieval fantasy vibe. There are places where it's really effective though, like Nokupr's dialogue. Particularly like her introduction where she says she is "the shadow that devours the world when the stars are hiding. I am the nightmare of mankind and countless others." You have absolutely nailed her ageless, powerful voice here.
Phew, that was long! I hope you don't mind, and I hope that some of this was helpful. I enjoyed reading this, I think you have a great fantasy world universe and with a little polishing this piece could be really good. Keep writing!